Cracked: If Tattoos Actually Told the Truth

http://www.cracked.com/article_16446_if-tattoos-actually-told-truth.html

These are pretty funny. I liked the Japanese ones. It’s amazing that people will actually get a tattoo that they don’t know the meaning of, just because it “looks” cool.

Why Did the Chicken Cross the Road?

From: GearLive

Chickens Crossing

Barack Obama: The chicken crossed the road because it was time for a CHANGE! The chicken wanted CHANGE!

John McCain: My friends, that chicken crossed the road because he recognized the need to engage in cooperation and dialogue with all the chickens on the other side of the road.

Hillary Clinton: When I was First Lady, I personally helped that little chicken to cross the road This experience makes me uniquely qualified to ensure—right from Day One!—that every chicken in this country gets the chance it deserves to cross the road. But then, this really isn’t about me…….

Dr. Phil: The problem we have here is that this chicken won’t realize that he must first deal with the problem on ‘THIS’ side of the road before it goes after the problem on the ‘OTHER SIDE’ of the road. What we need to do is help him realize how stupid he’s acting by not taking on his ‘CURRENT’ problems before adding ‘NEW’ problems.

Oprah: Well, I understand that the chicken is having problems, which is why he wants to cross this road so bad. So instead of having the chicken learn from his mistakes and take falls, which is a part of life, I’m going to give this chicken a car so that he can just drive across the road and not live his life like the rest of the chickens.

George W. Bush: We don’t really care why the chicken crossed the road. We just want to know if the chicken is on our side of the road, or not. The chicken is either against us, or for us. There is no middle ground here.

Colin Powell: Now to the left of the screen, you can clearly see the satellite image of the chicken crossing the road…

Anderson Cooper – CNN: We have reason to believe there is a chicken, but we have not yet been allowed to have access to the other side of the road.

John Kerry: Although I voted to let the chicken cross the road, I am now against it! It was the wrong road to cross, and I was misled about the chicken’s intentions. I am not for it now, and will remain against it.

Nancy Grace: That chicken crossed the road because he’s GUILTY! You can see it in his eyes and the way he walks.

Pat Buchanan: To steal the job of a decent, hardworking American.

Martha Stewart: No one called me to warn me which way that chicken was going. I had a standing order at the Farmer’s Market to sell my eggs when the price dropped to a certain level. No little bird gave me any insider information.

Dr. Seuss: Did the chicken cross the road?
Did he cross it with a toad?
Yes, the chicken crossed the road,
But why it crossed I’ve not been told.

Ernest Hemingway: To die in the rain. Alone.

Jerry Fallwell: Because the chicken was gay! Can’t you people see the plain truth?’ That’s why they call it the ‘other side.’ Yes, my friends, that chicken is gay. And if you eat that chicken, you will become gay too. I say we boycott all chickens until we sort out this abomination that the liberal media white washes with seemingly harmless phrases like ‘the other side. That chicken should not be crossing the road. It’s as plain and as simple as that.

Grandpa: In my day we didn’t ask why the chicken crossed the road. Somebody told us the chicken crossed the road, and that was good enough.

Barbara Walters: Isn’t that interesting? In a few moments, we will be listening to the chicken tell, for the first time, the heart warming story of how it experienced a serious case of molting, and went on to accomplish its life long dream of crossing the road.

Aristotle: It is the nature of chickens to cross the road.

John Lennon: Imagine all the chickens in the world crossing roads together, in peace.

Bill Gates: I have just released eChicken2008, which will not only cross roads, but will lay eggs, file your important documents, and balance your check book. Internet Explorer is an integral part of the Chicken.. This new platform is much more stable and will never cra…#@&&^(C% ……..reboot.

Albert Einstein: Did the chicken really cross the road, or did the road move beneath the chicken?

Bill Clinton: I did not cross the road with THAT chicken! What is your definition of chicken?

Al Gore: I invented the chicken!

Colonel Sanders: Did I miss one? Where did that sucker go?

Dick Cheney: Where’s my gun?

Al Sharpton: Why are all the chickens a colorless white? We need some black chickens.

We suspect that you guys could add to the list, eh?

Complete Catalog of ACME Products

http://home.nc.rr.com/tuco/looney/acme/acme.html

Takes me back to the good ol’ days of watching Bugs Bunny….

Dream come true: Crystal set to play for Yankees Thursday

Dream come true: Crystal set to play for Yankees Thursday

TAMPA — Billy Crystal will get to “look mahvelous” in pinstripes. The actor will sign a one-day, minor league contract with the New York Yankees and play in Thursday’s exhibition game against the Pittsburgh Pirates.

Crystal, an avid Yankees fan, will work out with the team on Wednesday and will wear uniform No. 60 for the game — to be played one day before his 60th birthday. The Yankees said Monday they have the approval of baseball commissioner Bud Selig.

“I’ve been waiting 50 years for this call,” Crystal said in a statement released by the team. “I’m overwhelmed by the generosity of the Yankees and commissioner Selig. I know this’ll be tougher than the Broadway Softball League, but I’m looking forward to helping the younger players, which by the way is all of them. Oops, I have to go, Scott Boras is on the phone.”

Crystal, according to the Yankees hit .348 and was captain during his senior year at Long Beach High School in New York. He directed and produced “61*,” a move about Roger Maris, Mickey Mantle and the 1961 Yankees.

“The Yankees are excited to welcome the newest member of our team known for his humor and wit as well as his undying love for the Yankees,” chief operating officer Lonn Trost said.

Yankees manager Joe Girardi, after Monday night’s 4-0 win over Cincinnati, said he hasn’t determined what position Crystal will play.

“That remains to be seen,” Girardi said. “Obviously, it’s kind of exciting. Billy Crystal has done a lot for this organization. He’s always been a big part of it. Our way of rewarding him, saying thanks for everything that you’ve done.”

Country singer Garth Brooks has played in spring training games, helping raise money for his Touch ‘em All Foundation. He was 1-for-22 (.045) in 1999 with the San Diego Padres, 0-for-17 the following year with the New York Mets and 1-for-8 (.125) in 2004 with the Kansas City Royals.

I’ve got to admire a guy who loves baseball this much….and he’s hilarious to boot.

Tech Support Gets a Reprieve While Users Take a Hit – New York Times

Tech Support Gets a Reprieve While Users Take a Hit – New York Times

Funny Tech Support Calls

Caller: So, I’m having a problem with my mouse? It’s, like, squeaking?

Agent: I’m sorry, did you say squeaking?

Caller: That’s right. The faster I move it across the screen, the louder it squeaks.

Agent: I’m sorry—are you pressing your mouse up against the screen?

Caller: Well, sure! There’s a message that says, “Click here to continue!”

—-

Caller: Hey, can you help me? My computer has locked up, and no matter how many times I type eleven, it won’t unfreeze.

Agent: What do you mean, “type eleven?”

Caller: The message on my screen says, “Error Type 11!”

—

On one call, the caller seemed to be taking an inordinately long time to complete each instruction she was given.

Agent: Ma’am, I can’t help noticing that every time I give you an instruction, it takes a really long time before you get back to me. Is your computer that slow?

Caller: Oh, no, it’s just the stupid, stupid design of this computer. Every time I want to click something, I have to unplug the keyboard to plug in the mouse. And then every time I want to use the keyboard again, I have to unplug the mouse. Because there’s only one jack.

Agent: Ma’am, you do realize that there’s a jack on the keyboard itself? You’re supposed to plug the mouse into the keyboard, and the keyboard into the computer.

Caller: Are YOU KIDDING ME!? Oh, wait a minute—yes, I see it now! Oh, holy cow. That’s going to be so much easier!

Agent: Just out of curiosity, how long have you been using your computer that way?

Caller: Six weeks!

—

A Canadian customer was calling to find out if there was a faster way to trigger menu commands than mousing up to the menus.

Agent: Certainly, sir. There are keyboard shortcuts for many of those commands. For example, suppose you want to trigger the Select All command…

Caller: Yes, I use that one all the time! How do I do it?

Agent: Well, you just press Control-A.

Caller (after a pause): Well, that’s not working for me.

Agent: Do you have a text document open in front of you?

Caller: Yes, I sure do.

Agent: OK, now press Control-A.

Caller: I am, but nothing happens.

Agent: The text isn’t highlighted?

Caller: No, there’s no change at all.

Agent: That’s odd. If you press Control-A, the whole document should be highlighted. Try it again. Press Control-A. Tell me exactly what’s happening.

Caller (nearing his Canadian breaking point): Listen. I’m pressing Control, eh? And nothing’s happening, eh?

Reba & Kelly Concert at Tulsa

The Reba & Kelly concert on Friday was awesome. Melissa Peterman, the actress that played Barbra Jean on “Reba”, opened the show with a stand-up comedy routine. She was hilarious. Every time I have seen her on T.V., she has the same amount of energy she had on the stage, and it makes me wonder if she’s that way all of the time.

There was a short break after her routine. The show started with the curtain down and you hear the beginning of Patsy Cline’s “Sweet Dreams”. This was the song that Reba would sing a cappella in previous shows….but it ended up nothing like Patsy’s version. The curtain rises and she and Kelly break into Eurythmics’s version.

Both artists were on the stage for the whole show. Songs from both artists were sung, with each occasionally taking a roll as a backup singer.

When it came time for the duo to sing “I’m a Survivor”, the theme song for “Reba”, Melissa made another stage appearance. I knew some of what was coming from seeing part of previous concerts on Youtube, but she still had me falling out of my seat.

I knew that Reba wouldn’t be able to make it through the show without at least one wardrobe change, and she didn’t disappoint. I haven’t been to many concerts, so I don’t know if this is common, but as well as I can remember, Reba has always had a sort of pause close to the end of the concert, and then she would come back out for a few songs, encore-like. The same thing happened with this show, with she and Kelly coming out from below the stage, in different shirts. I laughed out loud and told Jerry that I knew she couldn’t make it without changing. She used to change many times when she had the big, elaborate concerts. They closed the show with “Fancy”, a personal favorite of Reba’s.

The show was a wonderful blend of country and pop. Jerry was amazed by Kelly’s voice, even though some of her songs weren’t up his alley. The sound of the two voices together was lovely and I wished they would go on all night. I told Jerry that we could still get tickets to the concert at Kansas City, MO on my birthday, but he didn’t pick up the hint.

I guess Reba will always be that one celebrity I wish I could meet. I started adding it up and realized that I have been a fan for over 20 years. My fan-dom has ebbed and flowed during those years, but one thing is certain; there will always be a Reba song close at hand.

Funny Quotes

Some funny, others not so much.
http://leftofzen.com/funny-quotes/2008/01/08/

My favorites are:
Mark Twain (12-17)
Voltaire (18-28)
Winston Churchill (34-37)
George Carlin (38-49)
Fredrick Nietzche – 11. Many are stubborn in pursuit of the path they have chosen, few in pursuit of the goal.